Choose

I used to think that joy was a feeling that came and went at its choosing. After all, which of us can control our feelings? The psychologist tells us there are no right or wrong feelings. Whatever we feel, is okay, they say. It’s what we choose to do with those feelings that make the difference.

For example, I can be angry because the guy next to me cut me off in traffic. The feeling of anger I cannot control (according the experts) but how I react I can control. In other words, I can choose to smile at my fellow driver even though he almost ran me off the road, or I can launch into flailing my arms and shouting obscenities. The choice is mine, they say.

For most of my Christian walk I believed this theory, and struggled often to rid myself of the tumultuous, unholy feelings that would arise within me: anger, rebellion, jealously etc. I’d pray often and hard, only to get bumped along life’s road and feel a twinge of the above mentioned feelings. Then I’d sink into despair assuming I was not the Christian woman I professed to be because these ungodly, unholy feelings obviously still abided within me. I’d pray until the negative feelings abated and go about my merry way until the next time.

Recently, I’ve realized that joy or acceptance or forgiveness seems to be much more about choosing and decisions than feelings. Let me explain:

I have a problem for quite sometime with “X”, a young woman who has damaged my whole family structure. Each time her name is mentioned, my insides twist and wrench in pain because of the confusion and division she’s caused. I’ve been praying about my negative feelings towards her and my struggle to forgive her without much relief from the hurt. I guess I kept waiting for God to miraculously lift my anger and resentment. But I’ve finally figured out it doesn’t work that way. At least for me it doesn’t.

So I decided to let go of my frustration with “X”. To forget about it, to treat her as I would any other person I’m trying to minister to. It was an intellectual decision. I know what is right. I know what the word of God says, so I simply chose to obey the word and trust that perhaps one day my feelings will follow.

There is a quote from the movie “First Night” with a very handsome older actor who’s name escapes me at the moment, Richard Gere(sp?) and an attractive younger woman. The younger woman is married to the king (the older actor) but has become increasingly more attracted to Richard Gere. When the king finds out about it, his wife acknowledges her feelings for Richard Gere, but says “It is my will that sets my course, not my feelings. And my will chooses you.”

That quote resonates with me, although it may not be the best analogy since I think she eventually does go with Gere – (if anyone knows please help me straighten out my facts).

But my point is our choosing does indeed set the course for our feelings. Perhaps that is why the scripture says “Choose you this day whom you will serve…” note, it does not say, ” See how if you feel and see if you want to serve the Lord.”

On this Friday morning, as I’m trying to hurriedly finish because I have to go to work, I think it’s important to acknowledge that part of living every day with Jesus is living in the valley of decision where our feelings and responses are concerned. May you choose well today my friend.