I have been wobbling in my Button Journey. Pushing the envelope of what’s allowed within my food plan. Finding excuses not to exercise. Operating in my weakness. Getting as close to the edge of failure as possible without actually crossing the line.

Yesterday was the first time in 3 months that I didn’t track my food. Instead, I guesstimated and figured in my head, and then finally just gave up and ate what I wanted.

This is a dangerous place to be, and one I have been at before.

Parked on the Shoulder of the Road

It’s as if I am parked on the shoulder of the road and am looking at the map. Behind me is the 3 months of accomplishment, a dress size dropped, and almost 20 buttons earned. Ahead of me, is six more dress sizes to drop, and 100 more buttons to earn. The trip ahead seems so long, so arduous, and not nearly as exciting as when I first began. And this week, I just didn’t have the heart to keep going. I did, but very slowly, very sloppily, and with lots of detours.

So I pull over and contemplate.

Why is this so hard for me?

What was I thinking in making such a personal thing so public?

I am obese. I have almost always been obese. At this moment, I feel like I will probably die obese.(By the way, I hate the word obese, but have been making myself use this clinically correct word as an effort to stay in the truth and not be deceived.)

The Me I Want To Be

The me I want to be, rises up, and earnestly tries… for a season… but then fails, and cycles back to using food for so much more than sustenance. And it is when I am cycling, wobbling, that I usually give up, quit tracking my food, quit exercising, and bury my head and my appetite in my addiction.

It is then that I am living the truth of the words on a plaque in my office:

Of course this is meant to be funny and when I hung it on my wall, I thought it was funny. But today, as I contemplate whether to stay on my Button Journey or turn around and go back to the comfort that my food addiction provides, it’s not so funny.

Because there really is a skinny girl inside of me… and I really do know how to shut her up.

I have shut her up with ice cream since I could hold a spoon.

I have shut her up with potato chips – especially if I am watching a movie.

And I have shut her up with a myriad of other sugary, salty, high-fat foods whenever I wanted to rejoice or cry, be comforted, or soothe my anxiousness.

In other words, food has been my skinny girl’s playmate. Food has been my skinny girl’s best friend.

But Jesus

But Jesus wants to be my playmate, and Jesus wants to be my best friend. This is why I started on My Button Journey in the first place. Because I knew that ice cream and Doritos were pathetic substitutes for the abundant, thriving relationship that my Lord and Savior longs to have with me.

“The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”(John 10:10)

Doritos and ice cream are my thieves. They are the bait that Satan uses to lure me into a false sense of security and apathy. And if I stay in a place of over-indulgence, I am choosing to live in deception.

But thankfully, there is a BUT JESUS in my life.

But Jesus came that I might have life, and that more abundantly.

But Jesus knows my frame and remembers that I am dust.

But Jesus shed his blood on the cross that I could repent, and have a chance to start a new.

But Jesus has overcome the world, so I don’t have to fear.

But Jesus says He never leaves me nor forsakes me.

But Jesus says I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Staying in the Truth

“So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” (John 8:32)

Staying in the truth is so much more than just adhering to the Apostle’s doctrine. For me, staying in the truth is being honest with myself and you, my accountability partners, about My Button Journey. Because I know that I have no hope of real change without it.

Truth is painful when we are in a place of failing. But truth is incredibly liberating once we fully embrace it. And real truth, genuine, blood-bought truth can’t be picked up and put down when it’s convenient or feels good. True truth followers – whether of the gospel message, or for me on My Button Journey, adhere to all the tenants of truth no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient it becomes.

No Buttons

It took me three days to face the scale. I normally weigh in on Saturday mornings, but I knew I didn’t track for a couple of days. So I kept trying to rationalize facing the scale and posting about my buttons.

But as I sat there on my theoretical side of the road and contemplated the last 3 months of My Button Journey, I saw all of your faces. Your smiles. Your “LIKES” on my Facebook postings about how many buttons I’d earned. Your words of encouragement. Your heartfelt prayers. Right then, I realized how very blessed I am to have friends like you, and how wonderful our Lord is to give us one another to help us overcome our shortcomings.

And so I buckled my seat-belt, put away my map, and pulled back out on the highway of My Button Journey. I didn’t earn any buttons this week, but I didn’t have to give any back. And today that is enough of a reason to rejoice.

So thank-you.

Thank-you for being my friend.

Thank-you for cheering me on.

Thank-you for loving me despite my shortcomings.

I appreciate you and I believe that together with Christ I can do this thing.

^“I can do all things through Christ^a] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)